In Finding Inner Peace and Strength (Doubleday, 1982), Jerry Falwell claimed total inerrancy for the Bible:
The Bible is the inerrant . . . Word of God. It is absolutely
infallible, without error in all matters pertaining to faith and
practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science,
history, etc., (p 26).
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first: “Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”
Mary: “Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Donald’s ass with us.”
Me: “Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Donald, and why would I want to kiss his ass?”
John: “If you kiss Donald’s ass, he’ll give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, he’ll kick the shit out of you.”
Me: “What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?”
John: “Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Donald built this country. Donald owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t until you kiss his ass.”
Me: “That doesn’t make any sense. Why . . .”
Mary: “Who are you to question Donald’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?”
Me: “Well maybe, if it’s legit, but . . .”
John: “Then come kiss Donald’s ass with us.”
Me: “Do you kiss Donald’s ass often?”
Mary: “Oh yes, all the time . . .”
Me: “And has he given you a million dollars?”
John: “Well no, you don’t actually get the money until you leave town.”
Me: “So why don’t you just leave town now?”
Mary: “You can’t leave until Donald tells you to, or you don’t get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you.”
Me: “Do you know anyone who kissed Donald’s ass, left town, and got the million dollars?”
John: “My mother kissed Donald’s ass for years. She left town last year, and I’m sure she got the money.”
Me: “Haven’t you talked to her since then?”
John: “Of course not, Donald doesn’t allow it.”
Me: “So what makes you think he’ll actually give you the money if you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?”
Mary: “Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you’ll get a raise, maybe you’ll win a small lotto, maybe you’ll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.”
Me: “What’s that got to do with Donald?”
John: “Donald has certain ‘connections.'”
Me: “I’m sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.”
John: “But it’s a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don’t kiss Donald’s ass he’ll kick the shit of you.”
Me: “Maybe if I could see Donald’s, talk to him, get the details straight from him . . .”
Mary: “No one sees Donald, no one talks to Donald.”
Me: “Then how do you kiss his ass?”
John: “Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Elon’s ass, and he passes it on.”
Me: “Who’s Elon?”
Mary: “A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Donald’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.”
Me: “And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Donald, that Donald wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Donald would reward you?”
John: “Oh no! Elon’s got a letter Donald sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for yourself.” John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on “From the desk of Elon’ letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
- Kiss Donald’s ass and he’ll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the shit out of people who aren’t like you.
- Eat right.
- Donald dictated this list himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Donald says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
- Don’t drink.
- Eat your wieners on buns; no condiments.
- Kiss Donald’s ass or he’ll kick the shit out of you.
Me: “This would appear to be written on Elon’s Letterhead.”
Mary: “Donald didn’t have any paper.”
Me: “I have a hunch that if we checked we’d find this is Elon’s handwriting.”
John: “Of course, Donald dictated it.”
Me: “I thought you said no one gets to see Donald?”
Mary: “Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people.”
Me: “I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they’re different?”
Mary: “It’s what Donald wants, and Donald’s always right.”
Me: “How do you figure that?”
Mary: “Item 7 says ‘Everything Donald says is right.’ That’s good enough for me!”
Me: “Maybe your friend Elon just made the whole thing up.”
John: “No way! Item 5 says ‘Donald dictated this list himself.’ Besides, item 2 says ‘Use alcohol in moderation,’ Item 4 says ‘Eat right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too.”
Me: “But 9 says ‘Don’t Drink,’ which doesn’t quite go with item 2, and 6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is just plain wrong.”
John: “There’s no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say for sure.”
Me: “Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock . . .”
Mary: “But they don’t know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.”
Me: “I’m not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn’t make it cheese.”
John: “Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Donald is always right!”
Me: “We do?”
Mary: “Of course we do, Item 5 says so.”
Me: “You’re saying Donald’s always right because the list says so, the list is right because Donald dictated it, and we know that Donald dictated it because the list says so. That’s circular logic, no different than saying ‘Donald’s right because he says he’s right.'”
John: “Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Donald’s way of thinking.”
Me: “But . . . oh, never mind. What’s the deal with wieners?” Mary blushes.
John says: “Wieners, in buns; no condiments. It’s Donald’s way. Anything else is wrong.”
Me: “What if I don’t have a bun?”
John: “No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.”
Me: “No relish? No Mustard?”
Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: “There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!”
Me: “So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?”
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: “I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la.”
John: “That’s disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that . . .”
Me: “It’s good! I eat it all the time.”
Mary faints. John catches her: “Well, if I’d known you where one of those I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Donald kicks the shit out of you I’ll be there, counting my money and laughing. I’ll kiss Donald’s ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.”
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
Editor’s note: Donald has other names that he is known by: POTUS, 45 (or 47), “Duck L’Orange,” Yeti, COMPLETE (more or less) LIST
